Be grateful for every moment...in between & during...

Life is interesting.
Bitter & sweet.

This week we lost my step son's best friend in a motorcycle accident. He was 26 & happily married to a beautiful girl, now a widow @ 25. He was a "nice boy" with the promise of a beautiful life......... Some things I just don't understand. I just have to accept what is.

The future ex was robbed at gun point on Tuesday. They took most of the inventory in the store.
They tied him up & kept 4 customers on the floor with guns pointed @ their heads.

I had tried to call him to let him know about Andy's death & didn't understand why he wasn't answering his cell or the store phone. When I got ahold of him, I immediatly went to make sure he was OK.
He called yesterday..... I think he just needed a friend BUT I cannot be that. I am no longer his soft place to fall. He gave up that right to be my friend when he disrespected me so many times. When he used control & manipulation to get what he wanted from me.
I would not have chosen this experience for him but it is what it is & I can't take it away.

I feel guilty for not wanting to spend hours trying to console him...........
Some things I just don't understand.
So, I'll keep my eyes toward Life/God/Whateveryoucallit knowing that everything has a divine purpose & that I am grateful that he still has his life.

Sigh................
I'm going back into my happy bubble now...........

Patricia

Dead Bolts & key locks of our being....

I realize that as we go through life we start out innocent. Joyful, loving, playful, curious, majikal.....unlimited possibilities await before us THEN life happens.
We become uncertain, guarded, sad, fearful.......... WHY?

We experience STUFF. Just experience it & then hold on to the experience instead of letting it go. My father/mother/friend/child/coworker/stranger did this to ME.
We then close the door to that part of OUR being.
When something similar happens we lock the door.
Another similar thing happens & we dead bolt it! "That's it" we say to ourSELF. I will NEVER....blah...blah...blah.....

Who loses here? WE DO.
We cut ourSELVES off from feeling & doing what feels good to us. WE give our Joy, our Happiness to another. HOW crazy is that?

As I heal myself & try to figure out WHY I feel the way I do about the "Tall, Cute, Verizon Guy" something happened.
I have taken the time to unlock the dead bolts & I was ready for someone to use the key to unlock so many parts of my being. I was READY & Life/God put someone in front of me to help me along. How beautiful is that?
He didn't do it. I ALLOWED it......... Grateful to be able to FEEL all the parts of me.....ahhhh
NOW......if I could only get LAID!!! bwhahahahaha

I don't want to have sex. I could have sex with pretty much any guy. We all know MOST are willing. ;-)
I want to make LOVE with MY guy. I want to explore his body as he explores mine. I want to look into his eyes as we lay naked together..........
Do you know when I go to bed at night I actually FEEL him lying next to me. He is strong & yet gentle. Non-threatening in a real man way.
I see him walking through the door with flowers. I'm in my classic black dress w/ my classic black pumps. I LOOK hot if I do say so myself. lol He is handsome & his blue eyes sparkle when he sees me.
He is aware of his body. Choosing every movement with intention. Quite beautiful to watch him move.
I love to watch him out of the corner of my eye as he's watching me. His eyes sparkle, really they do & it's like he's trying not to smile but the sides of his mouth show that he is.
I LOVE this feeling. It's MY feeling & I LIKE IT!

Oh......I sent "HIM" an email the other day. It said:
Do you want to know what I am thinking?
I just pretend that you are out slaying dragons. In my minds eye I surround you with strength & courage until you are returned safely back to me.

I KNOW........ I'm not going to "get hurt". No one has that kind of power of me. I can only be HONEST to myself & those around me. They get to choose what they do with it.

DIVORCE papers SIGNED....
I did have a brief moment of tears. Then the future ex spoke & I was THROWN right back into WHY this relationship ended. LOL
What I noticed was how much he looked to have aged, weathered. It was sad to see.
My girlfriend said, "He has no one to blame for his unhappiness any longer. He has only himself to be around. YOU took a lot of that on to comfort him. Now.... he only has himself that has got to be draining on him."

He can't change WHO he is & neither can any of us. We have to have the COURAGE to BE who we truly are.......

Much love & laughter,
Patricia

Being SELFish can be a good thing!

WE don't take enough time to ALLOW ourSELF to say want we want or how we really feel.
It's so important to BE who we are.

A selfish thought? I don't know if I have EVER had one. To put mySELF before another. NO WAY.....so what happens is I have lived THIS life serving all those around me. WHO was SERVING ME? ................. { }................... Interesting how it works.

As strange as it feels at times.......Patricia is on the TOP of the list. I can no longer do what "others think" I should. I will not longer do something because it's expected of me. I will be true to mySELF listening to MY intuition.

With that said.... I had to tell Danielle that she would have to find different living situations for herself & Tristan. As MUCH as I LOVE them both.......I have just spent 30 years raising a family & it's time for ME to explore ME.
Having them here would have been "safe". It would have filled my home with others to "take care of". Taking the FOCUS back off ME.
What is incredible was that she took it so gracefully. That she really understood & ended the conversation with, "Coming here was SAFE for me. I've always had someone take care of me & now it's time for me to take care of Tristan & myself."
With tears in my eyes.......I am so grateful that it is always my intention to send love to those around me & this was just an example of how when you trust yourself & can HONEST with yourself...........it all falls beautifully into place.

The same thing happened with the woman I was doing the marketing for. I was just so overwhelmed with everything so I emailed & told her. I was feeling like I had dropped the ball & feeling guilty. HER response was, "Change brings about emotions we never knew we had. Take care of YOU & don't worry about my stuff." How blessed AM I?

Glenn....someday when you are reading this.......I want you to know that everyday I surround you with unconditional love. That I support every decision that you are making because I KNOW that everything you are doing you are doing for every one's highest & best good. My joy would be that you have included yourself on that list. My heart into yours........

I am SLOWLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY working on my "Happy Space".......ahhhhh it's been a VERY long time since I even had the desire to be creative & I can FEEL the mojo working up inside of me. MY freedom of expression not only comes through my words but in my ART.

With the meditation music playing in the background, love surrounding me, feeling peaceful & joyful today......... In this moment.......I blessed myself & you.......for all we have is NOW. Take a deep breath & FEEL my love for YOU.......YOU deserve it!!!

Please, don't wait for some future event to happen. Don't wait until you lose the weight or obtain some object. Don't wait to release the anger you feel towards your partner, family member, coworker or friend. THEY have no CONTROL of how YOU feel. It's our responsibility to FEEL as we choose. RIGHT NOW..........choose JOY.......because it's just FEELS good!

I love YOU
Patricia

Divorce papers.......sigh.......

I'm still trying to figure out why....when we make RIGHT choices in our lives.....that they just DON'T feel good?
As I look at this last 13 years divided up in black & white. COLD.....reduced to the separation of STUFF.
Bittersweet........sad.......exciting.......freeing......

I still can't believe all the emotions flowing through me. Good day...not so good day... Great day.... panic attack.......blissful moment.......FEAR.......moments of feeling so grateful that I cry to...... I am so incredibly blessed. I am blessed because I'm FEELING.......EVERYTHING. Every time I FEEL an emotion I GET to feel it. I hug myself & allow.........

I'm finding out so much about ME.
I'm so complicated & yet so simple.
I am KIND...... really KIND. I really do wish the best for all those around me & the best part is I now know that I am worth the BEST also.
I'm scheduled & more tidy then I realized. My house in chaos doesn't make me FEEL GOOD.
Dirty dishes on the counter causes me stress.
I don't care that I don't make my bed & I really don't want a TV in the bedroom. I never had one before this marriage & haven't watched it since he has left.
I really do LOVE to cook.
I do miss not sleeping with someone. I like the feeling of our bodies touching. (NOT that that has happened in a REALLY long time but I do have some faint memory. lol)
I want to lie on the couch with someone.
OH & NO LAZY BOYS!!! That is a deal breaker. That is something that I won't allow in my next relationship. That says to me "Relationship is OVER".

I'm just ............ healing.............
Healing my heart.......feeling MY heart....... Loving ME.

My "Happy Space" is the last room left downstairs to clean & organize. I'm proud that I have gotten so much done. It FEELS GOOD.

I'm in a little funk & that's OK because I know that "this too shall pass".

OH & "HIM"...... he's still in my mind's eye. Taking his time, as I am taking mine. I don't know what the future holds but I do know that it's ALL in Crazy Divine Order. NOT in MY time....but in Life's/God's time & most days I'm OK with that. Other times.......I just want to hit him over the head & say "I'm ready NOW" then I realize that I'm NOT. That I really need this alone time to heal & feel. So, I'm grateful that it is the way it is NOW. GRATEFUL!

Patricia

EMOTIONAL.........

WHOA!!!!!!! It's been a rough couple of weeks.
Deep feelings of being totally ALONE. Gut wrenching..... OH MY GOD what am I going to do? Where is my FAMILY?
Kinda sad when I think back on it.

I couldn't focus on anything....I just felt overwhelmed & didn't know what direction to take.
So, I decided to STOP thinking...........

I went & spent a couple of hours with Joanne to try & get some kind of focus & release all the OTHER stuff. LOVE HER! She is one of the amazing women from our book group.

I'm working on getting MY home back into some kind of order.
EVERYTHING else will come in due time......not MY time, LIFE/GOD'S time.....
Ohhhhhhh it feels so GOOD not to have to DO everything NOW. LOL

The "Tall, Cute, Verizon Guy" ? Oh........we had a lovely dinner a week ago Thursday & Sunday night I wrote him a "I'm HER & your HIM" email...... Oh STOP....I know what you guys are thinking but I just had too. I feel much better NOW. I'd share it with you but it's personal between him & I.......
IF he ever responds to it.... I'll let you know. bwhahahahahaha
I know it sounds crazy. It's CRAZY to me, too.

The future ex stopped by & picked up some more of his stuff. It's good not to HATE. Really, good.
The divorce papers should be ready next week to sign & then it's just waiting for the court date.

I have my profile up on Match.com still because ........... Oh.......I'm in a "fantasy" relationship & I really would like a DATE but my "currently separated" status seems to keep men at bay.......sigh..... As soon as I have a court date I'm posting it.

I'm going to see if I can post some recent photos of the NEW ME. It's been a really long time since I've felt so good about ME. It feels good to FEEL GOOD!

I love you ALL
Patricia

Thinking....thinking....thinking....thinking....

Oh My Goodness!!!! WE can drive ourselves MAD with our own thoughts.

We sit there in our thoughts making up "scenerios of what if" events instead of BEING in the now moment. We have imaginary conversations with ourSelf & another & come to a conclusion of HOW we think it's going to play out. NOW ...... that's CRAZY.

We can only address that person as they are in front of us. We can only address what THEY actually say. It's a responsiblity to ourSELF that we answer with honesty about how WE think & feel.

FEAR is what holds us back from speaking OUR truth.

FEAR stops us by assuming we "know" what another is thinking.

Lack of TRUST in our own intuition that WE will KNOW when someone is speaking from thier heart or not.

I sent myself into a tailspin this morning thinking about "WHAT IF he doesn't choose me".

I'll spare YOU & myself the goory details as I felt the rejection, the unworthiness, the judgement upon myself for not knowing better. I played the "This is what I want" game. CONTROL....no matter how we look at it, it's about control. The way that WE "think" a situation should BE instead of realizing that something BIGGER is at work at EVERY Moment for our highest & best good.

ALL of those "thoughts" which are unhealthy & OLD patterns of the past.

Things that no longer serve my TRUE purpose here.

BUT hey.....I'm still in this human experience & I'm here to be honest with myself.

It's emotionally draining to swing from love to uncertainty but I'm just grateful that I AM swinging from LOVE to uncertainty. Grateful for EVERY moment that I get to FEEL it.

How many right now don't even have a MOMENT of unbridled Joy, Happiness, Love?

Now I'm just focusing on the JOY & getting MY house ready ..................

You KNOW...... I knew that I was going to meet "HIM". I knew that it was going to be within 6 months of the divorce. I didn't know that it would happen BEFORE the divorce. I knew that "my partner" & I were going to be an example of how a REAL relationship is. That others would want to know "how we did it", how we do it.
Knowing something is about to be doesn't prepare us for the physical reality of what is.
Just like we get an idea to do a piece of art or cook a meal. We can PLAN or THINK what it will look like or taste like but until we actually DO IT.....we just don't know how it's going to turn out.

My girlfriend likes to call them LIFE'S surprises. I'm not crazy about surprises. LOL I like to plan things. I like to know what's going on. Let's be honest, it's because I like the control. I have had to depend on ME for so long that I couldn't honestly TRUST another human being. I mean who could be as responsible as ME?
I like structure BUT I'm learning to LIKE surprises, too. I don't want to control another. I want to TRUST another as much as I trust ME. That's my mission if I choose to accept it. LOL
I want to be able to KNOW that someone is who they say they are. That they are going to do what they say. I do & I thought that everyone else did.

Life/God/Whateveryoucallit........PLEASE grant me the wisdom to fulfill my desire of a healthy, happy relationship. Take my hand & guide me to make the choices that are for my highest & best good.
Some moments I feel so vulnerable & scared. Some moments I just want a hug......

You had me @ Panera......lol

Someday....you are going to be reading this. Today is that day. No matter what "physical date it is" it's EXACTLY the moment that you are suppose to see it.

I wanted to call & ask you to help with my GPS the day that I couldn't figure it out but I knew you needed time. I didn't LIKE it but I respected YOU for it.

"We can do this one of 3 ways, we can drive down Little Rd & I can throw the box in your car, we can meet in a parking lot somewhere & I can give it to you or you can join me for dinner @ Chili's & I'll buy. Either of those options are OK with me."

Now, I'd like to know what the heck was going through YOUR mind? LOL
I'm so happy that you chose option #3.

This was such a crazy week for you & now it's just going to be a past memory & you'll be able to laugh @ it ( F.C.O. cancelling the T-1, the Springhill chronic & Adam's stunts of ungratefulness, the house being torn apart by construction. Aren't you glad it's OVER? )
The past few weeks have been crazy for BOTH of us. EXACTLY as LIFE had planned. PERFECT.

When you walked in the door, it was just so good to SEE you. It just feels so good to be around you. I had no idea that someone could think like ME. Not the SAME.....that would get old....but similar. I am blessed to have met YOU.
With each passing moment I UNDERSTAND what loving unconditionally is. The love we feel for our children we can feel for another human being........it fills my heart with such joy & happiness I almost can't contain it.
To want for YOU to "be happy", to "feel joy & happiness" just because YOU are such a GOOD SOUL. A MAN & a blessing to ALL you come into contact with.
It honestly doesn't matter if you choose me, although if you are reading this.....YOU DID!
If that comes to pass then I am one of the luckiest WOMEN on this planet.

Today, I'm so silly.....I'm dancing around the house, reliving the moments of our evening together. (Everyone is having sex but US! LMBO Not everyone has put so much thought into how to make a relationship work. GOD I hope that you win that Chili's contest!!! LOL The reason that you want to redo the shower & still use the Plexiglas or "what if" she has a career & is unable to move. ) I so wanted to say, "Well, just ask ME."

Oh & our first REAL hug. I could have stayed in that moment.....then you moved your hand gently down my back..........ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Then of course I just couldn't help myself by whispering in your ear, "Are we gonna have sex someday?" "Yes" "Oh Good!" LMBO
{For those reading, yes, I did say it. I told you I was going to be me. The rules are set between LIFE & ME........ }

I WON'T worry about the future nor ignore my NOW moments of JOY!!!
For tomorrow I may not even be here & I want the WORLD to know that when you open your heart, LOVE encompasses it. It's not because of another but because LIFE/GOD/WHATEVERYOUCALLIT fills it to the brim. That's what LIFE is.......LOVE.

Enjoy your NOW moments. A smile, a simple kindness, the feeling of the wind gently brushing your BEAUTIFUL face. YOU are ALL Divine Beings & it's YOUR Divine right to "feel" joy!

I love you ALL,
Patricia

Release....release....release....

Oh my.....sigh....... I didn't realize how much "stress" my body was going through.
With each passing day, actually each moment, I feel my muscles releasing tension that I didn't even realize was there.
I am SLEEPING!!! I was going on about 4 hours sleep a night.
Yesterday I even got to take an hour nap. Ohhhhhh I LOVE power naps!

I'm NOT going back to my job. It feels right & good.
While at my book group one of the woman was looking for an "assistant/marketing person".
"I need someone really good with people." She held up this list of stuff that needed to be done & I held out my hand. I thought I was going to keep my "day job" but KNOW now that I don't have to.
I believe in HER & I believe in mySELF. I TRUST that LIFE presented this opportunity & I'm grabbing on!

NOW.......this is NOT a paying position, it's based on commission ONLY. There is a part of me that is screaming......."WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!!!!"
My family........is SUPPORTIVE of this decision. I AM BLESSED!!!

Since there's always a "back up plan" I can always get another job. Right now I can afford to explore this so I AM NOT AFRAID. I will NOT allow FEAR to be my guidance system. LOVE & TRUST that EVERYTHING I need will be brought to me is my SECURITY.

Someday, I know I'll be telling my story to those that want to hear it. Those that need to KNOW who they really are & it's through ME not only talking the talk but WALKING the WALK that they will know.

Listen to LIFE.....listen to what everyone around YOU is saying & YOU will SEE what you are REALLY "thinking" about YOU. When YOU realize they are only reflecting back to you, YOU can change the way you think about yourself & then THEY change to reflect back the NEW YOU.

Some may simply fade into the background of your life. KNOW that it is EXACTLY as it should be.

I love you ALL

Patricia

Clueless....

I think I have to admit that I have NO IDEA what men are thinking.
I have NO IDEA WHAT they are thinking.
I think THEY don't even KNOW!!! LOL

Have so many woman of their past been so HORRIBLE that they can't trust?

Ohhhhhhh this dating thing is going to be an experience.

YES, I am going to be ME. I've been me & I think it's scaring the heck out of them. lol
It is my intention to try & figure them out. If anyone reading has any kind of feedback, I'd appreciate it.

Much love & laughter to YOU
Patricia

As I step into MY life........

I have my eyes, ears & heart open. I am trusting that everything that I need to experience will be brought to me with ease & joy.
That doesn't mean that we don't have to do some physical & emotional work.

NOW, don't think that this transition has been totally PAIN FREE. I had such a heavy heart feeling for 2 days that I almost couldn't breathe. I walked around aimlessly trying to "figure out" what is was that I was suppose to be doing. I AM suppose to be feeling. Those feelings include fear & uncertainy for a moment & then joy & release the next.
I felt guilty that I was feeling HAPPY! Then I realized that it doesn't have to be let go in a moment although it can be. I just need to be gentle with ME. It's all good, ALL OF IT!

My job, although came along at EXACTLY the right moment, is ending. I had the "feeling" the other day.
My first thought was "oh, crap!!!" I wanted to stay there until Christmas but I know that LIFE has something else in store.
What I realize is that I WILL be treated with kindness in both my professional & personal life.
My job is just the venue for me to trust & move on from situations that no longer serve my higher purpose.

I decided to take today off & did. As I am honoring myself during this transition.
As the day went on I knew that I needed some more time to myself.
I called & talked to the boss & told her that I would like to take the WEEK off. She said, "Go ahead honey. We're moving half the staff to the other office today anyway."

Can we say CRAZY DIVINE ORDER?!!! PERFECT!!!

I also got a tenant. One of the girls at work was looking for a room to rent for a while & came & asked if "I" knew of anyone because she trusted me.
I just knew I was to offer her a room.
Manifesting cash.......it's amazing how this works.

All the time the future ex has been here I've been able to gather a little nest egg & can afford to take off this week & ............. maybe more if something else comes up this week. :)

I have my meditation music on, feeling blessed & cleaning out the old to make way for all the amazing things that life has in store.

May YOUR day be as blessed as mine!
I LOVE YOU

Bittersweet....

WOW.......
There is a joy & sadness that comes today as the future ex-husband removes his belongings from our home.
Interesting how when I saw him driving down the road there was such an excitement & joy. When I walked into the house & started to pack up some sheets & towels my chest started to tighten & I was in a full blown panic attack!

I've been waiting for this moment to come for months & there's an excitement & fear that over comes me. I just am allowing whatever I am feeling even though some emotions just don't "feel" good.
We have to feel it ALL. It lets us know we HAVE feelings.
Sometimes we build up walls in order not to feel pain BUT then we don't allow ourselves to feel LOVE either. We have to be open to life. To trust it.
They are only feelings with memories of the past attached.
We must release them in order to bring in the NEW feelings of a happy & loving NOW.

I'm taking a couple days off of work to feel & release ALL the garbage that is coming during this transition.

I know that who ever is reading this is sending their love.
I appreciate it.
Thank you!

Putting myself OUT THERE....

Taking control of MY LIFE. Not be be controlling but to KNOW what "feels good" & what doesn't.

When I'm pushing so hard toward something & there is resistance it is time to change direction to "feel better".

Since at this moment I am financially, emotionally & spiritually secure, what I want is to sit across from a man. Him enjoying my company & me enjoying his. So, on to Match.com....
I figure that I'll just meet someone for coffee & then decide if I would like to have dinner with them.

*note to self* ask MORE questions BEFORE meeting for coffee. LOL

My first coffee meet had me across the table from a guy who was in an open marriage. YOU just have to laugh @ me. My innocence is still apparent & you know what, I LIKE that part of me!
What I learned about ME during the conversation was that I know so LITTLE about me.
That I haven't given much thought to the things I enjoy in order to talk about them!
So, I'm going to start a list!

When we are ALONE with no one reflecting back or asking questions, we sound good to ourSELF. Amazing the things you find out when asked by a stranger.
I honestly feel like a child. Like LIFE is just appearing before me & I can explore anything & everything that I want. It's scary & exciting.
I've been raising a family since I was 17 & I'm now 48. It's been a beautiful journey at times, a tumultuous journey at times BUT through it all was a knowing that all is well.

Saturday is the "start" of the move out date but he assures me that he will be moved OUT by next Friday!!!

Oh & I got this feeling that I'm going to be leaving this job sooner then I expected. LIFE is in control now & I'm just enjoying the ride.

I LOVE YOU ALL!
Patricia

Countdown .......

It is Sunday evening.
I am assuming that the future ex-husband is moving on Friday so I will say.....5 days left of this experience.
I send him all the love & joy that I wish for myself.

Last night, I was a little scared. Some moments I feel, vulnerable & alone. I feel stripped of my past & vacant. Like I am walking into a VOID.......... SCARY.

I allow myself to feel it. I no longer judge myself for how I feel. I try & give myself a hug & KNOW that it is ALL OK. Unfolding EXACTLY as it should.

I step out into "LIFE" with unbridled passion for I KNOW that every moment is already prepared for me. I TRUST. I LOVE. I AM.

I create great sales! LOL

I manifest such GREAT deals! I don't shop often but when I do I KNOW that I will find exactly what I need. Even if I didn't know I needed it. LOL

I have STRICT instructions from my daughters that I am NOT to buy "mommy" clothes & under NO circumstance am I allowed to buy ANY mommy jeans. No saggy mommy butts.

Easier said then done since @ 48 it seems that the butt has moved into the thigh area.

I got 10 shirts & a pair of DKNY jeans (reg $70 for $15) all for 135 bucks! SCORE.

I really needed work clothes.

Not only did I manage to lose the 260lb future ex-husband but most of the weight that I was carrying that was covering up the fact that this marriage, although served a great purpose, has been over for a LONG time.

It FEELS good to be BACK in the body that I USED to have. OK, it's not the 35 year old hard body but it's MINE & everything still works. lol

I amuse myself.......any other woman would be happy to remove the clothes from her closet & replace them with smaller sizes. I sit here thinking about how MUCH I have to remove. ALL THOSE GOOD DEALS. ;) They will be given to the woman's shelter & I know they will appreciate them.

Did I tell you that MY house is under construction? Seems like everything around me is in transition & IT FEELS GOOD. New floors & ceilings. New Body. New Life........ahhhh I 'm so blessed. Out with the OLD & in with the NEW.

My joy would be that EVERYONE could FEEL good. That everyone could rid themselves of all the "stuff" that no longer served them. That they could look around & just change their perceptions of the things they see. 'Cause underlying all the chaos & confusion & lack that one is perceiving is a BEAUTIFUL purpose & lesson to CHANGE.

Change is GOOD. Getting rid of "stuff" is good. Whether it's memories that keep us stuck in our past or clothes that no longer fit. As we release more & more stuff, we allow love to filter back into our being! It's a wondrous feeling.

When I "got that" I realized that NO MATTER the circumstance I found myself in, I HAD TO BE HAPPY. I had to TRUST that it was happening for a reason. The reason was because "I" was creating it.

When I realized that my future ex-husband wasn't "seeing me", "didn't know ME", I realized that I wasn't seeing mySELF. That he never really "knew me". How could he? I was scared to BE ME. It's been challenging to "know stuff". To be intuitive & have knowledge of things that most do not understand or even have the desire to understand about LIFE. About why & how things work. I didn't want the "gifts" that were bestowed upon me. I just wanted to be "normal".
NOW........I KNOW my purpose & I can do it consciously & with loving intention. With passion & confidence. As my daughter said to me, "MOM, don't dumb yourself down any more."

What gifts my children are. When I think that "they picked ME" I feel even more blessed. When I see them fulfilling their dreams it makes my heart swell with such joy it's hard to contain.

We are ALL blessed. In this very moment LIFE is exactly how it is to be for YOU so if you aren't happy, change it. Change the way you think about it. KNOW that in a very short amount of linear time your life will be EXACTLY as you want it to be.

We ARE supposed to be HAPPY!!!

I met "HIM"......

We have been having phone problems at work for MONTHS! There has been this one Verizon guy helping to resolve the issue for way before I started working. When he would come in some of the girls in the office would swoon.

One day I said, “Well, what’s his status? If you are interested you should know.” No one knew SO me being the shy, quiet type said, “I’ll ask him.”

The next time he came in I said, “Hey Glenn, what’s your status? You know…married, single, significant other?”

He said, “There’s a potential.” I looked puzzled & he said, “Well, we’ve been out on 3 dates & we’ll see where it goes.” I said, “OK, keep us informed inquiring minds want to know.” LOL

He comes in one day & starts talking about how “they” went to a Kentucky Derby party & the horse she had picked had unfortunately died. He says, “I have compassion for an animal that died but SHE totally freaked out. Basically, started to beat me up. Blah, blah, blah”

Our conversations were VERY innocent. I thought he was a nice guy & although I found him attractive, there was another girl in the office that liked him & I am still married with my husband living in the house. Definitely NOT in the market. LOL

One day my reps started saying stuff like “Trish, the Verizon guy is here.” “Trish, he just pulled into the parking lot.” One of the graphic designers came to my desk & said, “Trish, can you please ask your Verizon boyfriend to FIX the phones.” The owner says, “Glenn, likes someone here. There’s no reason for him to just stop by like this.” I totally blew them off saying, “Glenn, is just a nice guy & he TALKS way too much for me. I’m getting rid of one that I can’t have a moment of silence with. “ LOL

Memorial day weekend (Friday) he comes in & I ask what his plans are. He doesn’t have any & asks me. I don’t have any. SMALL TALK. He’s workin’ on something & I say, “Hey Glenn, what happened to Kentucky Derby date?” He says, “OH that was over that day. I am officially on the market.”When he leaves the owner says to the other manager. “Glenn likes Trish.” She tells me & I’m like. “Would YOU people stop! Glenn is just a nice guy who likes to talk.” I came home that night & started to replay the events in my head. What if “God/Life” was telling me something? I had his number & tormented myself for 3 hours with “should I or shouldn’t I”. I’m into making new friends. What the heck, I’ll have a new friend.

I called & left a message on his work phone not knowing if he checked it or not to meet for lunch the next day. He called back 10 minutes later. We chatted for about an hour & then decided to meet for lunch. We met at noon…..at 5 my Mom called. She lost her glasses & needed me to help her find them. He said, “I was just going to ask you to dinner.” “Let me see what Mom needs & I’d love to go.”Dinner ended at midnight. The next day we went to a small BBQ. We left @ 8 & talked in the car until 2am. We’ve had dinner & met for coffee, always for hours but it still “platonic”. Since I’m still in my situation there is a small guard up between us.

He has "stuff" going on in his life. I know, I know, I read "He's just not that into you" & I am aware but what if, what if, he really doesn't want to ADD a partner during a crazy time.

What if he KNOWS what it takes to make a relationship work & just doesn't want it to start out on the "wrong foot"?

Guys….It’s “HIM”. I have NEVER been so certain about anything in my life. He deserves ME & I deserve HIM. I’m his “HER”.I KNOW it sounds CRAZY!!!

I am ME around him. I see his soul. We think alike. That’s scary. LOL

The tricky part....FREE WILL. Damn it! LOL

It matters NOT what I KNOW but will HE KNOW?

I know that my joy, my happiness doesn't depend upon whether or not he chooses me for I KNOW that AT THIS MOMENT it's just as it should be.

Ohhhhhh.....my mind starts playing the "what if" scenarios of the future but I just bring it back to my NOW. Right now, I can just enjoy the feelings. They are MINE & we are suppose to enjoy them.

I'm not going to allow myself to play the "Well, if he doesn't like me then I'll just not like him" game. So what, if he doesn't choose ME. Does that make HIM any less likable? NO

If he doesn't "choose ME" does that make ME any less likable? NO!


So WHAT if he doesn't call when I THINK he should. Do I want to control another's actions to fit into MY way or do I except another for WHO THEY ARE?
He's been honest. He's NOT ready right NOW but it doesn't stop him from stopping into work. hmmmm

As soon as my husband moves out I'll put myself on Match.com

I'll put myself out there because I KNOW that LIFE just doesn't tease & torment us with things that we can not have. It brings to us everything we need at every moment.

My daughter said, "Mom, You should just DO YOU for now."

I AM doing ME. I'm going to do exactly what I FEEL like doing without FEAR or REGRET.

During this process I will not suppress myself into another's concepts of HOW I should be doing anything. I've spent way too much of my life pleasing others. It's now time to please me.

I can't control what others think & feel. I can only be true to ME.

My heart is open. I am ready to receive the gifts that LIFE is presenting to me. I will allow whatever into my life because I TRUST LIFE & I NOW, trust mySELF.

It's an amazing feeling to know that EVERYTHING is in Divine Crazy Order. :)

Holding pattern.....

Last year after another unkind argument I knew that this marriage was over. I spent the next 6 months disengaging from the drama, from the unhappiness, from the concepts in my mind that a "marriage HAS to work".

Every day I sent love to our relationship, that it end with every one's highest & best good & that it end as loving as possible.



In January Bry & I decided "it was over". 13 years of history ended in one conversation. One statement that I thought he had forgotten:

"We said that if this didn't work out, we wouldn't kill each other." I knew in that moment that is was safe to tell him. "We can't fix this."



Within a week he came to me with a "settlement". Was it half? No Do I care? No....I have what I need & know I'll ALWAYS have what I need. Life has never failed me so why would it now?

Why fight over "stuff"? It's stuff & means way more to him then me. It was one of the downfalls in this marriage. "We NEED more STUFF".....that's what he thought. What we needed was MORE LOVE. More loving intentions towards one another.



What I realize is....we just didn't fit. We tried to change each other into what we THOUGHT the other should be. I'm not a BAD person.....he's not a BAD person. We are just who we are, no more or less then each other.



He's still living in the house. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern waiting to start my new life. A life filled with amazing possibilities. A life surrounded by loving people, supportive people, happy people.



I watch him & have compassion. I know he wasn't happy but I know he loves me the only way he knows how. He sees someone he could be himself around but I couldn't be myself. He is concerned for my well being & I know that he worries that I am too trusting of people & that they will take advantage. Sad really being able to see this from a different vantage point.



I am WHOLE. Beautifully imperfect just like GOD/whateveryoucallit intended.



I walk away from this relationship knowing MORE about mySELF then I could have ever imagined. Through the resistance "I" emerge. Blessed AM I.



The challenge NOW is to be ME. To remove any concepts of what the world or others expect me to be. I will no longer allow fear to contain me. I will no longer contain myself. I AM LOVE....it matters not that others may not understand it, I just have to BE IT.



I have moments when I may think to myself, "Are you really that brave? Have you really gotten IT?" I can only be TRUE to myself. I know I've come a long way baby & I'm willing to risk it all for ME.

I wonder if he'll really be moving out next weekend........
He just can't give up control. He'll latch onto it for as long as I allow it so I guess it's not bothering me that much. Funny.......

Walking AWAKE

I just joined the message board @ Oprah.com & someone said, "Who has a blog"
It was just another "street light" moment that maybe it was time.
I hadn't started one because I couldn't commit to a name. Then while reading a post I saw a response of mine & THERE is was. The "title" of my blog.

"Crazy Divine Order" it's what I call life!
Underneath all the "things" that life has brought to me I knew & have always known that EVERYTHING has a purpose even though I may not why.

I will use this space as a sacred place to place anything that has meaning to me.

Much love & laughter to all.