Thinking....thinking....thinking....thinking....

Oh My Goodness!!!! WE can drive ourselves MAD with our own thoughts.

We sit there in our thoughts making up "scenerios of what if" events instead of BEING in the now moment. We have imaginary conversations with ourSelf & another & come to a conclusion of HOW we think it's going to play out. NOW ...... that's CRAZY.

We can only address that person as they are in front of us. We can only address what THEY actually say. It's a responsiblity to ourSELF that we answer with honesty about how WE think & feel.

FEAR is what holds us back from speaking OUR truth.

FEAR stops us by assuming we "know" what another is thinking.

Lack of TRUST in our own intuition that WE will KNOW when someone is speaking from thier heart or not.

I sent myself into a tailspin this morning thinking about "WHAT IF he doesn't choose me".

I'll spare YOU & myself the goory details as I felt the rejection, the unworthiness, the judgement upon myself for not knowing better. I played the "This is what I want" game. CONTROL....no matter how we look at it, it's about control. The way that WE "think" a situation should BE instead of realizing that something BIGGER is at work at EVERY Moment for our highest & best good.

ALL of those "thoughts" which are unhealthy & OLD patterns of the past.

Things that no longer serve my TRUE purpose here.

BUT hey.....I'm still in this human experience & I'm here to be honest with myself.

It's emotionally draining to swing from love to uncertainty but I'm just grateful that I AM swinging from LOVE to uncertainty. Grateful for EVERY moment that I get to FEEL it.

How many right now don't even have a MOMENT of unbridled Joy, Happiness, Love?

Now I'm just focusing on the JOY & getting MY house ready ..................

You KNOW...... I knew that I was going to meet "HIM". I knew that it was going to be within 6 months of the divorce. I didn't know that it would happen BEFORE the divorce. I knew that "my partner" & I were going to be an example of how a REAL relationship is. That others would want to know "how we did it", how we do it.
Knowing something is about to be doesn't prepare us for the physical reality of what is.
Just like we get an idea to do a piece of art or cook a meal. We can PLAN or THINK what it will look like or taste like but until we actually DO IT.....we just don't know how it's going to turn out.

My girlfriend likes to call them LIFE'S surprises. I'm not crazy about surprises. LOL I like to plan things. I like to know what's going on. Let's be honest, it's because I like the control. I have had to depend on ME for so long that I couldn't honestly TRUST another human being. I mean who could be as responsible as ME?
I like structure BUT I'm learning to LIKE surprises, too. I don't want to control another. I want to TRUST another as much as I trust ME. That's my mission if I choose to accept it. LOL
I want to be able to KNOW that someone is who they say they are. That they are going to do what they say. I do & I thought that everyone else did.

Life/God/Whateveryoucallit........PLEASE grant me the wisdom to fulfill my desire of a healthy, happy relationship. Take my hand & guide me to make the choices that are for my highest & best good.
Some moments I feel so vulnerable & scared. Some moments I just want a hug......