Dead Bolts & key locks of our being....

I realize that as we go through life we start out innocent. Joyful, loving, playful, curious, majikal.....unlimited possibilities await before us THEN life happens.
We become uncertain, guarded, sad, fearful.......... WHY?

We experience STUFF. Just experience it & then hold on to the experience instead of letting it go. My father/mother/friend/child/coworker/stranger did this to ME.
We then close the door to that part of OUR being.
When something similar happens we lock the door.
Another similar thing happens & we dead bolt it! "That's it" we say to ourSELF. I will NEVER....blah...blah...blah.....

Who loses here? WE DO.
We cut ourSELVES off from feeling & doing what feels good to us. WE give our Joy, our Happiness to another. HOW crazy is that?

As I heal myself & try to figure out WHY I feel the way I do about the "Tall, Cute, Verizon Guy" something happened.
I have taken the time to unlock the dead bolts & I was ready for someone to use the key to unlock so many parts of my being. I was READY & Life/God put someone in front of me to help me along. How beautiful is that?
He didn't do it. I ALLOWED it......... Grateful to be able to FEEL all the parts of me.....ahhhh
NOW......if I could only get LAID!!! bwhahahahaha

I don't want to have sex. I could have sex with pretty much any guy. We all know MOST are willing. ;-)
I want to make LOVE with MY guy. I want to explore his body as he explores mine. I want to look into his eyes as we lay naked together..........
Do you know when I go to bed at night I actually FEEL him lying next to me. He is strong & yet gentle. Non-threatening in a real man way.
I see him walking through the door with flowers. I'm in my classic black dress w/ my classic black pumps. I LOOK hot if I do say so myself. lol He is handsome & his blue eyes sparkle when he sees me.
He is aware of his body. Choosing every movement with intention. Quite beautiful to watch him move.
I love to watch him out of the corner of my eye as he's watching me. His eyes sparkle, really they do & it's like he's trying not to smile but the sides of his mouth show that he is.
I LOVE this feeling. It's MY feeling & I LIKE IT!

Oh......I sent "HIM" an email the other day. It said:
Do you want to know what I am thinking?
I just pretend that you are out slaying dragons. In my minds eye I surround you with strength & courage until you are returned safely back to me.

I KNOW........ I'm not going to "get hurt". No one has that kind of power of me. I can only be HONEST to myself & those around me. They get to choose what they do with it.

DIVORCE papers SIGNED....
I did have a brief moment of tears. Then the future ex spoke & I was THROWN right back into WHY this relationship ended. LOL
What I noticed was how much he looked to have aged, weathered. It was sad to see.
My girlfriend said, "He has no one to blame for his unhappiness any longer. He has only himself to be around. YOU took a lot of that on to comfort him. Now.... he only has himself that has got to be draining on him."

He can't change WHO he is & neither can any of us. We have to have the COURAGE to BE who we truly are.......

Much love & laughter,
Patricia

Being SELFish can be a good thing!

WE don't take enough time to ALLOW ourSELF to say want we want or how we really feel.
It's so important to BE who we are.

A selfish thought? I don't know if I have EVER had one. To put mySELF before another. NO WAY.....so what happens is I have lived THIS life serving all those around me. WHO was SERVING ME? ................. { }................... Interesting how it works.

As strange as it feels at times.......Patricia is on the TOP of the list. I can no longer do what "others think" I should. I will not longer do something because it's expected of me. I will be true to mySELF listening to MY intuition.

With that said.... I had to tell Danielle that she would have to find different living situations for herself & Tristan. As MUCH as I LOVE them both.......I have just spent 30 years raising a family & it's time for ME to explore ME.
Having them here would have been "safe". It would have filled my home with others to "take care of". Taking the FOCUS back off ME.
What is incredible was that she took it so gracefully. That she really understood & ended the conversation with, "Coming here was SAFE for me. I've always had someone take care of me & now it's time for me to take care of Tristan & myself."
With tears in my eyes.......I am so grateful that it is always my intention to send love to those around me & this was just an example of how when you trust yourself & can HONEST with yourself...........it all falls beautifully into place.

The same thing happened with the woman I was doing the marketing for. I was just so overwhelmed with everything so I emailed & told her. I was feeling like I had dropped the ball & feeling guilty. HER response was, "Change brings about emotions we never knew we had. Take care of YOU & don't worry about my stuff." How blessed AM I?

Glenn....someday when you are reading this.......I want you to know that everyday I surround you with unconditional love. That I support every decision that you are making because I KNOW that everything you are doing you are doing for every one's highest & best good. My joy would be that you have included yourself on that list. My heart into yours........

I am SLOWLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY working on my "Happy Space".......ahhhhh it's been a VERY long time since I even had the desire to be creative & I can FEEL the mojo working up inside of me. MY freedom of expression not only comes through my words but in my ART.

With the meditation music playing in the background, love surrounding me, feeling peaceful & joyful today......... In this moment.......I blessed myself & you.......for all we have is NOW. Take a deep breath & FEEL my love for YOU.......YOU deserve it!!!

Please, don't wait for some future event to happen. Don't wait until you lose the weight or obtain some object. Don't wait to release the anger you feel towards your partner, family member, coworker or friend. THEY have no CONTROL of how YOU feel. It's our responsibility to FEEL as we choose. RIGHT NOW..........choose JOY.......because it's just FEELS good!

I love YOU
Patricia

Divorce papers.......sigh.......

I'm still trying to figure out why....when we make RIGHT choices in our lives.....that they just DON'T feel good?
As I look at this last 13 years divided up in black & white. COLD.....reduced to the separation of STUFF.
Bittersweet........sad.......exciting.......freeing......

I still can't believe all the emotions flowing through me. Good day...not so good day... Great day.... panic attack.......blissful moment.......FEAR.......moments of feeling so grateful that I cry to...... I am so incredibly blessed. I am blessed because I'm FEELING.......EVERYTHING. Every time I FEEL an emotion I GET to feel it. I hug myself & allow.........

I'm finding out so much about ME.
I'm so complicated & yet so simple.
I am KIND...... really KIND. I really do wish the best for all those around me & the best part is I now know that I am worth the BEST also.
I'm scheduled & more tidy then I realized. My house in chaos doesn't make me FEEL GOOD.
Dirty dishes on the counter causes me stress.
I don't care that I don't make my bed & I really don't want a TV in the bedroom. I never had one before this marriage & haven't watched it since he has left.
I really do LOVE to cook.
I do miss not sleeping with someone. I like the feeling of our bodies touching. (NOT that that has happened in a REALLY long time but I do have some faint memory. lol)
I want to lie on the couch with someone.
OH & NO LAZY BOYS!!! That is a deal breaker. That is something that I won't allow in my next relationship. That says to me "Relationship is OVER".

I'm just ............ healing.............
Healing my heart.......feeling MY heart....... Loving ME.

My "Happy Space" is the last room left downstairs to clean & organize. I'm proud that I have gotten so much done. It FEELS GOOD.

I'm in a little funk & that's OK because I know that "this too shall pass".

OH & "HIM"...... he's still in my mind's eye. Taking his time, as I am taking mine. I don't know what the future holds but I do know that it's ALL in Crazy Divine Order. NOT in MY time....but in Life's/God's time & most days I'm OK with that. Other times.......I just want to hit him over the head & say "I'm ready NOW" then I realize that I'm NOT. That I really need this alone time to heal & feel. So, I'm grateful that it is the way it is NOW. GRATEFUL!

Patricia

EMOTIONAL.........

WHOA!!!!!!! It's been a rough couple of weeks.
Deep feelings of being totally ALONE. Gut wrenching..... OH MY GOD what am I going to do? Where is my FAMILY?
Kinda sad when I think back on it.

I couldn't focus on anything....I just felt overwhelmed & didn't know what direction to take.
So, I decided to STOP thinking...........

I went & spent a couple of hours with Joanne to try & get some kind of focus & release all the OTHER stuff. LOVE HER! She is one of the amazing women from our book group.

I'm working on getting MY home back into some kind of order.
EVERYTHING else will come in due time......not MY time, LIFE/GOD'S time.....
Ohhhhhhh it feels so GOOD not to have to DO everything NOW. LOL

The "Tall, Cute, Verizon Guy" ? Oh........we had a lovely dinner a week ago Thursday & Sunday night I wrote him a "I'm HER & your HIM" email...... Oh STOP....I know what you guys are thinking but I just had too. I feel much better NOW. I'd share it with you but it's personal between him & I.......
IF he ever responds to it.... I'll let you know. bwhahahahahaha
I know it sounds crazy. It's CRAZY to me, too.

The future ex stopped by & picked up some more of his stuff. It's good not to HATE. Really, good.
The divorce papers should be ready next week to sign & then it's just waiting for the court date.

I have my profile up on Match.com still because ........... Oh.......I'm in a "fantasy" relationship & I really would like a DATE but my "currently separated" status seems to keep men at bay.......sigh..... As soon as I have a court date I'm posting it.

I'm going to see if I can post some recent photos of the NEW ME. It's been a really long time since I've felt so good about ME. It feels good to FEEL GOOD!

I love you ALL
Patricia