Dead Bolts & key locks of our being....

I realize that as we go through life we start out innocent. Joyful, loving, playful, curious, majikal.....unlimited possibilities await before us THEN life happens.
We become uncertain, guarded, sad, fearful.......... WHY?

We experience STUFF. Just experience it & then hold on to the experience instead of letting it go. My father/mother/friend/child/coworker/stranger did this to ME.
We then close the door to that part of OUR being.
When something similar happens we lock the door.
Another similar thing happens & we dead bolt it! "That's it" we say to ourSELF. I will NEVER....blah...blah...blah.....

Who loses here? WE DO.
We cut ourSELVES off from feeling & doing what feels good to us. WE give our Joy, our Happiness to another. HOW crazy is that?

As I heal myself & try to figure out WHY I feel the way I do about the "Tall, Cute, Verizon Guy" something happened.
I have taken the time to unlock the dead bolts & I was ready for someone to use the key to unlock so many parts of my being. I was READY & Life/God put someone in front of me to help me along. How beautiful is that?
He didn't do it. I ALLOWED it......... Grateful to be able to FEEL all the parts of me.....ahhhh
NOW......if I could only get LAID!!! bwhahahahaha

I don't want to have sex. I could have sex with pretty much any guy. We all know MOST are willing. ;-)
I want to make LOVE with MY guy. I want to explore his body as he explores mine. I want to look into his eyes as we lay naked together..........
Do you know when I go to bed at night I actually FEEL him lying next to me. He is strong & yet gentle. Non-threatening in a real man way.
I see him walking through the door with flowers. I'm in my classic black dress w/ my classic black pumps. I LOOK hot if I do say so myself. lol He is handsome & his blue eyes sparkle when he sees me.
He is aware of his body. Choosing every movement with intention. Quite beautiful to watch him move.
I love to watch him out of the corner of my eye as he's watching me. His eyes sparkle, really they do & it's like he's trying not to smile but the sides of his mouth show that he is.
I LOVE this feeling. It's MY feeling & I LIKE IT!

Oh......I sent "HIM" an email the other day. It said:
Do you want to know what I am thinking?
I just pretend that you are out slaying dragons. In my minds eye I surround you with strength & courage until you are returned safely back to me.

I KNOW........ I'm not going to "get hurt". No one has that kind of power of me. I can only be HONEST to myself & those around me. They get to choose what they do with it.

DIVORCE papers SIGNED....
I did have a brief moment of tears. Then the future ex spoke & I was THROWN right back into WHY this relationship ended. LOL
What I noticed was how much he looked to have aged, weathered. It was sad to see.
My girlfriend said, "He has no one to blame for his unhappiness any longer. He has only himself to be around. YOU took a lot of that on to comfort him. Now.... he only has himself that has got to be draining on him."

He can't change WHO he is & neither can any of us. We have to have the COURAGE to BE who we truly are.......

Much love & laughter,
Patricia