Sometimes...you have to LIVE life to write about it!

Time really does past by so quickly!
I've been busy in MY discovery of ME. Shedding unwanted & unwarranted parts of my being that no longer serve my highest & best good. Man, we are so hard on ourSELF!

I joined a meetup group. A woman, Gina, read the Secret last year & it changed her life.
I immediately knew I was to join the group when I saw her picture.
It has been a great experience surrounded by others who "think & believe" similar to ME.
When I logged into the meetup.com site I was going to start a group of my own. I'm not even certain "how" HER group popped up in front of me. It's one of those "divine intervention" things.
We meet on Saturday afternoons.

On Sunday I go to the "new thought" church. LOVE the minister Mary Lou! She taught the bible in the christian teaching for about 25 years & as the story goes "The bible OPENED up to her" in a twinkling of an eye, she realized what she had been teaching was so FAR from the truth of it's hidden meaning. http://www.newbeginningministries.com/ That's her website.

As I Am living life just BREATHING...I remember being in my marriage just holding my breath...
I KNEW I had to "work on me" during the transition of it. I wanted to "live" my understanding of LIFE. I AM
I feel as though I walked through the fire in the belly of the dragon & I emerged WHOLE!
I remember typing & being in gratitude for our experience together however I still had "that feeling". Where my whole body was decompressing & expanding into ME. There was still a "fear" being held IN my body. A nervousness about my being but something deep inside me was keeping me from EXPLODING. Day by day the decompression has happened & NOW I'm more ME!
I AM free! I have freed my own soul from my own judgments, criticisms & unwarranted thoughts about "who" I AM.

During a conversation with Gina I mentioned that I was "thinking" about opening my home on Wednesday's for US to gather to have a place of support & respite. A space of LOVE to continue uplifting ourselves. "PERFECT Wednesday's LOVE infusion" was born. I honestly thought that I'd have about 6-8 of US however more & more individuals keep showing up. LOL There's about 25 that share in a dinner & then just share WHO they are.
In every second of LIFE there is much to learn about WHO we each ARE....IF we have the eyes to see. Wednesday has brought to me MORE then I ever expected. It has shown me how loving & excepting I AM. I AM ready to receive the LOVE that I give so freely!

I met a CUTE guy in the meetup. His name is Dan. We dated for a bit. Well, I'm not sure if "dating" is the correct term. Dating would mean that the guy actually took one out. That's why we are NO LONGER dating. LOL Nice guy however NOT my nice guy.
The best part was discovering MORE of ME! I AM in a place where I'm getting closer to what "I" want. What I want in a relationship & want I want out of LIFE!

I also feel SO secure in KNOWING that LIFE has my back & I can trust "it" & ME!
Several weeks had gone by & I was "questioning" myself about my feelings. He is a "nice guy" & I felt as though I'm being short circuited. There were moments when I felt love for him & others when I felt so disconnected.
I was asking myself if I was sabotaging a "good relationship". What is wrong with ME?!!!

Then in ONE moment, it was as if LIFE put it's arms around me & said, "THIS is OVER." No drama, no explanation, no judgment... just done.
No words were spoken the morning he left gathering up some of his things.
The following week we talked a bit but really it was about nothing. I was enjoying my alone time. I had allowed him to "plop" himself in my life & I didn't stop it.

A week later I received an email from him asking "What we were". As I responded saying that I was trying to figure it out myself I was given such clarity about the fact that I WAS to spend some time with ME. ALONE.
I told him that I was blessed by the time we spent together however if LIFE is telling me that I need to be ALONE it would be challenging to BE in a relationship. I released him to explore other relationships.
UH OH.......what I didn't "see" was the "NOT nice guy" part coming. LOL
What rang CLEAR in his emails was the insecure, critical, hurtful part of him.
I AM so HAPPY that I trusted ME! That I listened to ME!
I'm getting that my intuition is SO much smarter then my mind. Sometimes, we just don't have to figure out the WHY but to just be honest with WHAT IS.
Again, I was "trying" to fit my ROUND self into a SQUARE relationship & NOW I KNOW that just isn't going to work for me.
I know NOW that I AM worthy of someone ADORING me just an I AM. I AM worthy of ALL the things that LIFE has in store for me....IF....I can allow it.

Discovering mySELF is a process. It is BETTER then I could have ever imagined!
I ask every day for the COURAGE to be ME. The courage to rid those imagined thoughts of how I "should" be & just be WHO I AM.

I believe that I AM going to turn my home into a Bed & Breakfast...more of an empowerment center. I received the name "Dream Vision". I painted one of the bedrooms & cleared it off all the kids "stuff" that it has been storing.
An author is interested in renting out some space to do a writers workshop.
However, I seem to be in a .....PAUSE....state.
I am not certain why. I can only go with what I "FEEL" in this moment & see how it all unfolds.
I'm tired of fighting with mySELF. It has led me into experiences in my life that were really uncomfortable so I MUST TRUST, ME!

During my ALONE time I discovered my creative side again! Ahhhhhh It feels so GOOD!
With my love of scrapbooking & my love of my Spirituality I started making, what I call, affirmation art. I use my supplies & create wall hanging with quotes. I wonder how it will all unfold.

Right NOW... I AM happy! Peaceful, trusting....ahhhhhhhh
I AM focused on what is directly in front of me. Right NOW it's YOU.
There is such a feeling of LOVE that permeates through me. My dream would be that everyone in the world could feel it. It would change the world, in the twinkling of an eye.
IF we could rid ourselves of all the garbage we hang on to we could LOVE more because we ARE LOVE!

The other day I was driving & all of a sudden I started to talk aloud. I started telling my body how much I loved it! All the things that I LOVE about ME! It felt good!
We spend so much time criticizing ourselves.
We have one body, one personality, one soul........why not just love it!
The following day I was passing by a mirror & turned to mySELF & said, "I just LOVE you!" In that moment I looked into my eyes & said, "I want to SEE ME. The REAL me." With that, my light body slowing showed itSELF to me. It was so beautiful. This part of US that we rarely get to see.
The beautiful energy/soul part of US that we keep covered in this physical reality.

It felt good to get this down.

I know NOW that we are MORE then we can even comprehend.
I know NOW that LIFE is more BEAUTIFUL then we allow ourSELVES to experience.
I know NOW that not everyone is going to PERCEIVE life as I do & I AM so OK with that! LOL
I know NOW that not everyone is going to approve of the way that I DO ME or the decisions that I choose for MY highest & best good.
I know NOW that my choices may in turn cause emotional pain for another HOWEVER we each choose to experience each other in EVERY sacred moment & to deny OUR OWN TRUTH does a disservice to not only ourSELF but to the WHOLE.
For it is never about another getting YOU but us getting ourSELF. In the end, we leave this experience ALONE, taking with US this magical journey & all that we have experienced.

May you experience ALL the JOY & LOVE that LIFE is pulsing through YOU!
Colleen...THIS was written for YOU!

Patricia

Be grateful for every moment...in between & during...

Life is interesting.
Bitter & sweet.

This week we lost my step son's best friend in a motorcycle accident. He was 26 & happily married to a beautiful girl, now a widow @ 25. He was a "nice boy" with the promise of a beautiful life......... Some things I just don't understand. I just have to accept what is.

The future ex was robbed at gun point on Tuesday. They took most of the inventory in the store.
They tied him up & kept 4 customers on the floor with guns pointed @ their heads.

I had tried to call him to let him know about Andy's death & didn't understand why he wasn't answering his cell or the store phone. When I got ahold of him, I immediatly went to make sure he was OK.
He called yesterday..... I think he just needed a friend BUT I cannot be that. I am no longer his soft place to fall. He gave up that right to be my friend when he disrespected me so many times. When he used control & manipulation to get what he wanted from me.
I would not have chosen this experience for him but it is what it is & I can't take it away.

I feel guilty for not wanting to spend hours trying to console him...........
Some things I just don't understand.
So, I'll keep my eyes toward Life/God/Whateveryoucallit knowing that everything has a divine purpose & that I am grateful that he still has his life.

Sigh................
I'm going back into my happy bubble now...........

Patricia

Dead Bolts & key locks of our being....

I realize that as we go through life we start out innocent. Joyful, loving, playful, curious, majikal.....unlimited possibilities await before us THEN life happens.
We become uncertain, guarded, sad, fearful.......... WHY?

We experience STUFF. Just experience it & then hold on to the experience instead of letting it go. My father/mother/friend/child/coworker/stranger did this to ME.
We then close the door to that part of OUR being.
When something similar happens we lock the door.
Another similar thing happens & we dead bolt it! "That's it" we say to ourSELF. I will NEVER....blah...blah...blah.....

Who loses here? WE DO.
We cut ourSELVES off from feeling & doing what feels good to us. WE give our Joy, our Happiness to another. HOW crazy is that?

As I heal myself & try to figure out WHY I feel the way I do about the "Tall, Cute, Verizon Guy" something happened.
I have taken the time to unlock the dead bolts & I was ready for someone to use the key to unlock so many parts of my being. I was READY & Life/God put someone in front of me to help me along. How beautiful is that?
He didn't do it. I ALLOWED it......... Grateful to be able to FEEL all the parts of me.....ahhhh
NOW......if I could only get LAID!!! bwhahahahaha

I don't want to have sex. I could have sex with pretty much any guy. We all know MOST are willing. ;-)
I want to make LOVE with MY guy. I want to explore his body as he explores mine. I want to look into his eyes as we lay naked together..........
Do you know when I go to bed at night I actually FEEL him lying next to me. He is strong & yet gentle. Non-threatening in a real man way.
I see him walking through the door with flowers. I'm in my classic black dress w/ my classic black pumps. I LOOK hot if I do say so myself. lol He is handsome & his blue eyes sparkle when he sees me.
He is aware of his body. Choosing every movement with intention. Quite beautiful to watch him move.
I love to watch him out of the corner of my eye as he's watching me. His eyes sparkle, really they do & it's like he's trying not to smile but the sides of his mouth show that he is.
I LOVE this feeling. It's MY feeling & I LIKE IT!

Oh......I sent "HIM" an email the other day. It said:
Do you want to know what I am thinking?
I just pretend that you are out slaying dragons. In my minds eye I surround you with strength & courage until you are returned safely back to me.

I KNOW........ I'm not going to "get hurt". No one has that kind of power of me. I can only be HONEST to myself & those around me. They get to choose what they do with it.

DIVORCE papers SIGNED....
I did have a brief moment of tears. Then the future ex spoke & I was THROWN right back into WHY this relationship ended. LOL
What I noticed was how much he looked to have aged, weathered. It was sad to see.
My girlfriend said, "He has no one to blame for his unhappiness any longer. He has only himself to be around. YOU took a lot of that on to comfort him. Now.... he only has himself that has got to be draining on him."

He can't change WHO he is & neither can any of us. We have to have the COURAGE to BE who we truly are.......

Much love & laughter,
Patricia

Being SELFish can be a good thing!

WE don't take enough time to ALLOW ourSELF to say want we want or how we really feel.
It's so important to BE who we are.

A selfish thought? I don't know if I have EVER had one. To put mySELF before another. NO WAY.....so what happens is I have lived THIS life serving all those around me. WHO was SERVING ME? ................. { }................... Interesting how it works.

As strange as it feels at times.......Patricia is on the TOP of the list. I can no longer do what "others think" I should. I will not longer do something because it's expected of me. I will be true to mySELF listening to MY intuition.

With that said.... I had to tell Danielle that she would have to find different living situations for herself & Tristan. As MUCH as I LOVE them both.......I have just spent 30 years raising a family & it's time for ME to explore ME.
Having them here would have been "safe". It would have filled my home with others to "take care of". Taking the FOCUS back off ME.
What is incredible was that she took it so gracefully. That she really understood & ended the conversation with, "Coming here was SAFE for me. I've always had someone take care of me & now it's time for me to take care of Tristan & myself."
With tears in my eyes.......I am so grateful that it is always my intention to send love to those around me & this was just an example of how when you trust yourself & can HONEST with yourself...........it all falls beautifully into place.

The same thing happened with the woman I was doing the marketing for. I was just so overwhelmed with everything so I emailed & told her. I was feeling like I had dropped the ball & feeling guilty. HER response was, "Change brings about emotions we never knew we had. Take care of YOU & don't worry about my stuff." How blessed AM I?

Glenn....someday when you are reading this.......I want you to know that everyday I surround you with unconditional love. That I support every decision that you are making because I KNOW that everything you are doing you are doing for every one's highest & best good. My joy would be that you have included yourself on that list. My heart into yours........

I am SLOWLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY working on my "Happy Space".......ahhhhh it's been a VERY long time since I even had the desire to be creative & I can FEEL the mojo working up inside of me. MY freedom of expression not only comes through my words but in my ART.

With the meditation music playing in the background, love surrounding me, feeling peaceful & joyful today......... In this moment.......I blessed myself & you.......for all we have is NOW. Take a deep breath & FEEL my love for YOU.......YOU deserve it!!!

Please, don't wait for some future event to happen. Don't wait until you lose the weight or obtain some object. Don't wait to release the anger you feel towards your partner, family member, coworker or friend. THEY have no CONTROL of how YOU feel. It's our responsibility to FEEL as we choose. RIGHT NOW..........choose JOY.......because it's just FEELS good!

I love YOU
Patricia

Divorce papers.......sigh.......

I'm still trying to figure out why....when we make RIGHT choices in our lives.....that they just DON'T feel good?
As I look at this last 13 years divided up in black & white. COLD.....reduced to the separation of STUFF.
Bittersweet........sad.......exciting.......freeing......

I still can't believe all the emotions flowing through me. Good day...not so good day... Great day.... panic attack.......blissful moment.......FEAR.......moments of feeling so grateful that I cry to...... I am so incredibly blessed. I am blessed because I'm FEELING.......EVERYTHING. Every time I FEEL an emotion I GET to feel it. I hug myself & allow.........

I'm finding out so much about ME.
I'm so complicated & yet so simple.
I am KIND...... really KIND. I really do wish the best for all those around me & the best part is I now know that I am worth the BEST also.
I'm scheduled & more tidy then I realized. My house in chaos doesn't make me FEEL GOOD.
Dirty dishes on the counter causes me stress.
I don't care that I don't make my bed & I really don't want a TV in the bedroom. I never had one before this marriage & haven't watched it since he has left.
I really do LOVE to cook.
I do miss not sleeping with someone. I like the feeling of our bodies touching. (NOT that that has happened in a REALLY long time but I do have some faint memory. lol)
I want to lie on the couch with someone.
OH & NO LAZY BOYS!!! That is a deal breaker. That is something that I won't allow in my next relationship. That says to me "Relationship is OVER".

I'm just ............ healing.............
Healing my heart.......feeling MY heart....... Loving ME.

My "Happy Space" is the last room left downstairs to clean & organize. I'm proud that I have gotten so much done. It FEELS GOOD.

I'm in a little funk & that's OK because I know that "this too shall pass".

OH & "HIM"...... he's still in my mind's eye. Taking his time, as I am taking mine. I don't know what the future holds but I do know that it's ALL in Crazy Divine Order. NOT in MY time....but in Life's/God's time & most days I'm OK with that. Other times.......I just want to hit him over the head & say "I'm ready NOW" then I realize that I'm NOT. That I really need this alone time to heal & feel. So, I'm grateful that it is the way it is NOW. GRATEFUL!

Patricia

EMOTIONAL.........

WHOA!!!!!!! It's been a rough couple of weeks.
Deep feelings of being totally ALONE. Gut wrenching..... OH MY GOD what am I going to do? Where is my FAMILY?
Kinda sad when I think back on it.

I couldn't focus on anything....I just felt overwhelmed & didn't know what direction to take.
So, I decided to STOP thinking...........

I went & spent a couple of hours with Joanne to try & get some kind of focus & release all the OTHER stuff. LOVE HER! She is one of the amazing women from our book group.

I'm working on getting MY home back into some kind of order.
EVERYTHING else will come in due time......not MY time, LIFE/GOD'S time.....
Ohhhhhhh it feels so GOOD not to have to DO everything NOW. LOL

The "Tall, Cute, Verizon Guy" ? Oh........we had a lovely dinner a week ago Thursday & Sunday night I wrote him a "I'm HER & your HIM" email...... Oh STOP....I know what you guys are thinking but I just had too. I feel much better NOW. I'd share it with you but it's personal between him & I.......
IF he ever responds to it.... I'll let you know. bwhahahahahaha
I know it sounds crazy. It's CRAZY to me, too.

The future ex stopped by & picked up some more of his stuff. It's good not to HATE. Really, good.
The divorce papers should be ready next week to sign & then it's just waiting for the court date.

I have my profile up on Match.com still because ........... Oh.......I'm in a "fantasy" relationship & I really would like a DATE but my "currently separated" status seems to keep men at bay.......sigh..... As soon as I have a court date I'm posting it.

I'm going to see if I can post some recent photos of the NEW ME. It's been a really long time since I've felt so good about ME. It feels good to FEEL GOOD!

I love you ALL
Patricia

Thinking....thinking....thinking....thinking....

Oh My Goodness!!!! WE can drive ourselves MAD with our own thoughts.

We sit there in our thoughts making up "scenerios of what if" events instead of BEING in the now moment. We have imaginary conversations with ourSelf & another & come to a conclusion of HOW we think it's going to play out. NOW ...... that's CRAZY.

We can only address that person as they are in front of us. We can only address what THEY actually say. It's a responsiblity to ourSELF that we answer with honesty about how WE think & feel.

FEAR is what holds us back from speaking OUR truth.

FEAR stops us by assuming we "know" what another is thinking.

Lack of TRUST in our own intuition that WE will KNOW when someone is speaking from thier heart or not.

I sent myself into a tailspin this morning thinking about "WHAT IF he doesn't choose me".

I'll spare YOU & myself the goory details as I felt the rejection, the unworthiness, the judgement upon myself for not knowing better. I played the "This is what I want" game. CONTROL....no matter how we look at it, it's about control. The way that WE "think" a situation should BE instead of realizing that something BIGGER is at work at EVERY Moment for our highest & best good.

ALL of those "thoughts" which are unhealthy & OLD patterns of the past.

Things that no longer serve my TRUE purpose here.

BUT hey.....I'm still in this human experience & I'm here to be honest with myself.

It's emotionally draining to swing from love to uncertainty but I'm just grateful that I AM swinging from LOVE to uncertainty. Grateful for EVERY moment that I get to FEEL it.

How many right now don't even have a MOMENT of unbridled Joy, Happiness, Love?

Now I'm just focusing on the JOY & getting MY house ready ..................

You KNOW...... I knew that I was going to meet "HIM". I knew that it was going to be within 6 months of the divorce. I didn't know that it would happen BEFORE the divorce. I knew that "my partner" & I were going to be an example of how a REAL relationship is. That others would want to know "how we did it", how we do it.
Knowing something is about to be doesn't prepare us for the physical reality of what is.
Just like we get an idea to do a piece of art or cook a meal. We can PLAN or THINK what it will look like or taste like but until we actually DO IT.....we just don't know how it's going to turn out.

My girlfriend likes to call them LIFE'S surprises. I'm not crazy about surprises. LOL I like to plan things. I like to know what's going on. Let's be honest, it's because I like the control. I have had to depend on ME for so long that I couldn't honestly TRUST another human being. I mean who could be as responsible as ME?
I like structure BUT I'm learning to LIKE surprises, too. I don't want to control another. I want to TRUST another as much as I trust ME. That's my mission if I choose to accept it. LOL
I want to be able to KNOW that someone is who they say they are. That they are going to do what they say. I do & I thought that everyone else did.

Life/God/Whateveryoucallit........PLEASE grant me the wisdom to fulfill my desire of a healthy, happy relationship. Take my hand & guide me to make the choices that are for my highest & best good.
Some moments I feel so vulnerable & scared. Some moments I just want a hug......