Holding pattern.....

Last year after another unkind argument I knew that this marriage was over. I spent the next 6 months disengaging from the drama, from the unhappiness, from the concepts in my mind that a "marriage HAS to work".

Every day I sent love to our relationship, that it end with every one's highest & best good & that it end as loving as possible.



In January Bry & I decided "it was over". 13 years of history ended in one conversation. One statement that I thought he had forgotten:

"We said that if this didn't work out, we wouldn't kill each other." I knew in that moment that is was safe to tell him. "We can't fix this."



Within a week he came to me with a "settlement". Was it half? No Do I care? No....I have what I need & know I'll ALWAYS have what I need. Life has never failed me so why would it now?

Why fight over "stuff"? It's stuff & means way more to him then me. It was one of the downfalls in this marriage. "We NEED more STUFF".....that's what he thought. What we needed was MORE LOVE. More loving intentions towards one another.



What I realize is....we just didn't fit. We tried to change each other into what we THOUGHT the other should be. I'm not a BAD person.....he's not a BAD person. We are just who we are, no more or less then each other.



He's still living in the house. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern waiting to start my new life. A life filled with amazing possibilities. A life surrounded by loving people, supportive people, happy people.



I watch him & have compassion. I know he wasn't happy but I know he loves me the only way he knows how. He sees someone he could be himself around but I couldn't be myself. He is concerned for my well being & I know that he worries that I am too trusting of people & that they will take advantage. Sad really being able to see this from a different vantage point.



I am WHOLE. Beautifully imperfect just like GOD/whateveryoucallit intended.



I walk away from this relationship knowing MORE about mySELF then I could have ever imagined. Through the resistance "I" emerge. Blessed AM I.



The challenge NOW is to be ME. To remove any concepts of what the world or others expect me to be. I will no longer allow fear to contain me. I will no longer contain myself. I AM LOVE....it matters not that others may not understand it, I just have to BE IT.



I have moments when I may think to myself, "Are you really that brave? Have you really gotten IT?" I can only be TRUE to myself. I know I've come a long way baby & I'm willing to risk it all for ME.

I wonder if he'll really be moving out next weekend........
He just can't give up control. He'll latch onto it for as long as I allow it so I guess it's not bothering me that much. Funny.......